Written By Dr.
Ahmad Rostam Md Zin, Dr. Alizi Alias and Dr. Rozanizam Zakaria.
Brief Intro:
This is a book about dealing with our negative emotions, such as sadness, fear, and anger. Emotions are part of being human. Thus, we shouldn’t neglect or deny them. We should face them and, to a certain extent, treat them. By referencing stories from the Quran and Seerah of the Prophet SAW, this book is a good guide for every Muslim to understand the basics of human emotions and how to deal with them in our everyday lives.
So, here are 3 main lessons I got from the book.
1) Mindset
By mindset, I’m not talking about the ‘You can do it!!’ kind of way. I’m talking about the mindset that everyone should have in viewing their life in this world. For starters, this life is a test. And just like any test, some parts are easy and some parts are hard.
Musibah is inevitable in life. We will face hardship. We might suffer. We might fall into despair. Life might break us into pieces. Whether it is family problems, financial issues, death of our loved ones, mid-life crises and so on. Even the best of us are tested with trials and tribulations, beyond our grasp. Prophets and faithful believers (Maryam, Mother of Musa) adhere to one of the hardest tests a human could have. I mean, take Nabi Ibrahim AS, slaying his one and only (during that time) son because he saw it in a dream? Come on. No human in their right mind could do such a thing. Yet, Nabi Ibrahim did. Not because his son was a pain in the neck, but because He understood that this was a test from Allah and his love for Allah SWT surpasses his love for his son. That’s just one example. When we look at the stories in the Quran, most of them are struggling in their own way. All of them are tested. Because through tests;
a) Allah will erase our sins
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” (Sahih Bukhari; 5641)
b) We will become stronger
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
Life will sometimes punch you in the face, kick you in the stomach, and crush the living hell out of you. But once you get up and survive, you’ll be coming out as a better and stronger version of yourself.
“It ain’t not about how hard you hit, it’s about how much you can get hit and keep moving forward”
The more tests we face, the stronger we become.
c) Allah will rise our ranks
It’s not a coincidence that most, if not all, of the closest servants to Allah SWT, had the hardest trials in life. Take the 5 Rasul Ulul Azmi; Nabi Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, Isa and Muhammad (SAW). Their life wasn’t all rainbow and unicorn. They were patronized, rejected, cast out, and even bled because of their belief. In other words, Allah is testing you, not because He hates you. Instead, He tests you because He wants you to become closer to Him.
Having this mindset will help us in our darkest times. Knowing that all of our emotions, whether it’s sadness, fear or anger, all of it, are tests from Allah. And facing them is part of our journey to become a better version of ourselves and at the same time, closer to Him. Know that this struggle will not go to waste.
2) Man can cry.
Growing up as a boy, we were constantly reminded by society that;
“Strong men (laki jantan) don’t cry.”
Unfortunately, crying (for man) has become a symbol of weakness and vulnerability. Men are discouraged and even mocked if they show even the slightest sign of tears. And even worse, crying is a sign of impatience. A sign that we are not content with what was decreed from Allah SWT. Now why is that?
In truth, crying is part of being a human. It shows that we care and we love. Does it mean that we are weak and vulnerable? Of course, aren’t we all weak and vulnerable to begin with? Take if from Nabi Yaakub AS. He literally cried till he was blind. And who could blame him? He experienced the loss of his most beloved son, Yusuf AS, while knowing that the other siblings were involved in some kind of scheme that led to Yusuf’s so-called death. As Yaakub AS got older, as Allah’s plan, He lost another son, who was put into custody, Bunyamin. That moment eventually triggered his long-lasting sadness for the loss of his son, Yusuf AS. With his own children who couldn’t be trusted and no one to turn to, He turned to Allah and cried,
And he turned away from them and said, “Oh, my sorrow over Joseph,” and his eyes became white from grief, for he was [of that] a suppressor. (12;84)
His unempathetic children then responded with their toxic positivity advice,
They said, “By Allah, you will not cease remembering Joseph until you become fatally ill or become of those who perish.” (12;85)
“Cukup-cukup lah mengenang Yusuf tu pak, sampai bila nak bersedih ni? Sampai mati? Benda dah berlalu pak.”
The irony of his children. Geram pulak aku dengan dorang ini. Don’t they realize that they were the reason for Yusuf’s death (so they thought) in the first place? Yet, they dared to give counsel to their grieving father without showing any sign of guilt. Not to mention how they were completely in denial of their father’s human emotions. Humans don’t have an off switch for emotion. It’s not like there’s a moment when we’re like “Hey, I think I would like to stop feeling sad because of so and so” You press a button on your head, and then suddenly it goes away forever. We wish emotion were like that. But it’s not. Our feelings and emotions need to be dealt with, not ignored.
Thus, Nabi Yaacob AS is teaching us profound and practical lessons in dealing with emotion, specifically sadness;
He said, “I only complain of my suffering and my grief to Allah, and I know from Allah that which you do not know (12;86).
1. It’s ok to cry. Crying means you care. Crying means you love. And crying means you’re human. Yes, a true man can also cry. Allah SWT even acknowledged that the tears of Nabi Yaakub were a sign of his Sabrun Jamil (Beautiful Patience) (ayat 83).
2. Luahkan. When you start to feel overwhelmed by your own emotions, a feeling that you can no longer bear alone. Find a friend who you can truly trust or go seek a proper counselor, and Luahkan…. Most of the time, luahan isn’t about seeking advice. It’s about knowing that you are not alone and not allowing those feelings to accumulate inside of you, which will eventually lead to an emotional outburst. But most importantly, Luahkanlah kepada Allah SWT, the God that loves and cares for us. Who’s always been there by our side. Who truly understands what we’re going through even when our friends and family might not? Luahlah kepada Allah SWT, and know that He’ll be there for you. Always.
3) Forgive not forget.
We have all been hurt by someone, at least once in our life. It’s either by what they said or done, which causes us so much pain and misery. Both inside and out. Some pain heals, while some are scarred for life. Some are forgiven, while some require revenge. Sure, it’s easy for us to say to those who have been hurt and wronged, “Maafkan @ lupakan sahaja. Benda dah jadi.”
If only it was that easy. It’s hard to forgive and even harder to forget. I would argue that, in some cases, it’s impossible to forget. Just as some scars are permanent, some actions can never be erased. But even so, the injuries could still be healed.
Sure forgiving in the little things is easy. Your friend stole your pencil, accidentally told your deep dark secret to others, or even backbite you here and there. We can say it’s somewhat normal. Comes Hari Raya, “Salam kosong-kosong”.
But what if it’s way more than that? What if someone accidentally caused the death of your loved one? Or once abused you physically, emotionally, and in some cases, sexually? Or someone lied, took advantage of you and eventually stabbed you in the back? Would that be as easy as “Maafkan sahaja?” If we think forgiving is easy then it’s probably because we haven experienced such cruelness from others.
Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t forgive those who wronged us. Not at all. Instead, I’m arguing that forgiveness can’t be forced upon. We can’t simply ask a person to forgive. Because behind every victim of wrongdoing, lies a human being who was hurt, enraged, and even traumatized. The only thing we can do is, encourage forgiveness and let time heal itself.
Here are 2 main reasons why we should forgive.
1) Forgiveness helps us to move on.
By carrying the burdens of our past, it will lead us to a life of resentment and revenge-driven. With all of the pain that accumulates inside us, eventually, it will turn into hatred. Hatred towards our perpetrator, hatred toward those around us, hatred towards the world, and even worse, hatred toward Allah. “Why is Allah doing this to me?”. And that hatred then turns into revenge. We all know what happens if one falls into the path of revenge, nothing except emptiness and despair. In hopes of obtaining peace through revenge, we have destroyed ourselves in the process. We became the evil that we deem to destroy. But by forgiving, we have learned to harmonize with the pain of the past, let them go, and move on.
“Cakap senang lah.”
I totally agree, cakap memang senang. Tapi nak buat? “After all that he/she has done to me, I should just forgive?”
Well, first of all. No one said it was easy. And second, that’s why Allah SWT rewards highly those who forgive.
2) Allah rewards those who forgive.
And let not those of virtue among you and wealth swear not to give [aid] to their relatives and the needy and the emigrants for the cause of Allah, and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. (24;22)
What a subtle way in which Allah urges his slave to pardon the wrongdoing of others. Not by forcing or instilling guilt. But by offering His own forgiveness. In other words, if you forgive them, then I (Allah) will forgive you.
As you can see, based on these 2 reasons, forgiving is not necessarily about making amends with those who hurt us. But actually, it’s about us. It’s about saving ourselves and our sanity from being consumed by the hatred within, whilst also rejoice in the forgiveness of our Lord.
Now, does it mean that once we forgive someone, everything will turn back to like it was before? Or does the relationship start with a clean slate? The answer is no for both. Like it or not, the damage was done. Just like we can’t undo a scar, we also can’t undo the emotional scar one has.
Take the example of the Prophet Muhammad SAW, when he saw Wahsyi, the killer of his uncle (Hamzah RA) for the first time. Although he had already become Muslim, Rasulullah said to him;
“Bolehkah engkau sembunyikan wajahmu daripadaku?
Wahsyi Berkata “Lalu aku pun keluar”
Aiiih? What happen there? Bukankah Wahsyi dah masuk Islam dan semua dosa-dosa telah diampunkan oleh Allah, termasuk membunuh Hamzah RA? Kenapa Rasulullah pulak yang tidak ampunkan nya?
This is where we’re mistaken. Rasulullah SAW did forgave him. But again, forgave doesn’t mean he forgot. For him, just by looking at Wahsyi, could trigger an emotional response through the memory of his beloved Uncle, who was brutally murdered during the war of Uhud. It is as though, by looking at Wahsyi’s face, he had to relive those painful and disturbing moments yet again. Thus, even though Rasulullah SAW might seem to be holding grudges against Wahsyi. But actually, he was protecting his own psychological well-being.
And even better, Wahsyi understood this. He understood that the evil things he did in the past caused a permanent scar on Rasulullah SAW. Thus, it’s for the best that he didn’t show his face. And instead of feeling upset because of it, he tried his best to redeem himself. And he did. He was the one who speared the false prophet, Musailamah Al-Khazzab, to death.
In conclusion, we should always try to forgive others, even though it’s hard. Cuz we’re doing it for ourselves. And for some cases, it’s impossible to forget. And that’s okay.
Recap Lessons
1) Mindset – We will be tested in this world and those tests have their purpose; erase our sins, make us stronger, and raise our rank (darjat).
2) Man can Cry – Deal with your negative emotions by crying and Luahkan (especially to Allah). Don’t be afraid to cry,
3) Forgive not forget – We should strive for forgiveness but at the same time accept the fact that even though most injuries can be healed, some are scarred for life. Thus, you can’t just forget about it. Nor that you should.